Being misunderstood sucks.

It’s an awful feeling when you’re trying to explain what you believe, how you perceive things, or how events have impacted you, just to be told you’re wrong.

Or, to have someone tell you, “Oh, I totally understand . . .” as they hijack the conversation and share their perspective and similar experience, all the while proving that they don’t understand you at all.

And we’ve all had someone tell us:
“Relax . . .”
“Don’t be scared.”
Or, “I don’t see why you’re so mad.”

Which leaves us feeling stupid for just trying to navigate our challenging emotions.

I see these mistakes repeatedly when working with couples and teams.

Each individual is so focused on being right, wanting to correct the person they’re talking to, or even one-up them, that they can’t genuinely relate to or comprehend what is being shared.

Knowing how awful this feels when it happens to you, how well do you think you do at understanding others?

If you’re like most people, there’s probably room for improvement. And if you can master your ability to understand, you can greatly improve your communication skills.

What holds you back from understanding someone?

• You don’t try to understand.

• You assume you understand.

• You don’t empathize for deeper understanding.

Knowing what holds you back from mastering your skill in understanding can help you minimize these mistakes and move toward best practices.

You don’t try to understand.

This is the case for many conversations I hear.

You enter a conversation or conflict with the posture that you hold all the interesting or relevant information. And the other person doesn’t.

And if that’s true, why would you listen to what they have to say?

You wouldn’t.

This leads to you being disinterested in the person you’re talking to, and you end up talking at them instead of being fully present.

ALWAYS enter a conversation assuming that there’s more to learn. Stay curious. And ask clarifying questions so you can gain as much information as possible to improve your understanding.

“Are you saying that . . .?”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Do you believe they meant to do that?”

Another major factor that may keep you from trying to understand someone is that many people believe that understanding equals agreement.

UNDERSTANDING DOES NOT EQUAL AGREEMENT.

Free yourself of this lie that understanding someone means that you must agree with them.

You don’t.

You’re at full choice with what you want to agree with, or not agree with.

Which should free you up for getting a deeper understanding of someone else’s perspective without fear of condoning their beliefs or actions.

And by the way, not every conversation requires you to tell someone that you don’t agree with them.

You assume you understand.

This is when you believe you understand someone, but you haven’t gotten verification from them that you actually understand.

An often-missed step in meaningful conversations is getting confirmation that you comprehend all the important factors of what someone is sharing.

And this can lead to hijacking a conversation instead of staying curious.

“Oh, I totally understand! That’s just like this thing that happened to me . . .”

An easy way to rectify this is using clarifying questions (like the examples above) and making sure that the person you’re talking to gives you some indication that you understand them.

If someone tells you that they’re fed up with a friend of theirs always stealing their thunder, hogging the spotlight, or always needing to be the center of attention, a good way to confirm you’re understanding might be to say:

“So, when you’re talking, your friend constantly tries to one-up you with their own story?”

“YES! That’s exactly what I’m saying!”

That “YES!” is your confirmation. You now have verified that you actually understand what is being told to you.

And this confirmation can take many forms: a head nod, “Exactly!”, “Yup, you got it!”, etc . . .

I highly suggest you commit to making this a regular practice in your conversations. Train yourself to get confirmation that you understand what is being told to you. Because if you do, it’ll level up your communication far beyond what most people are doing. 

You don’t empathize for deeper understanding.

Stop emotionally correcting people.

It’s not helpful and it’s a huge empathetic miss.

When someone tells you that they’re worried, scared, or even angry about something, stop saying, “Oh don’t be worried!”, “You have nothing to be scared of!”, or “You really shouldn’t be mad.”

Let people feel.

If your goal in saying those things is to make someone feel better, odds are you just made them feel worse.

Because not only are they worried, scared, or angry, but now they feel silly for feeling those things because you told them not to feel those things.

True empathy requires that you can articulate your understanding of what it’s like to be in the other person’s shoes. NOT how YOU would feel in their shoes. But how THEY feel in their shoes.

The best way to really empathize is to paraphrase someone’s story back to them:
“I had a really hard day. I was busting my ass at work trying to get this project done, just to get chewed out by my boss for not doing it right. I’m sick of feeling underappreciated there!”

Paraphrasing that back might sound like:
“That’s gotta be hard. You’re doing the best you can to get that project done before the deadline and your boss yelled at you for doing it wrong? I can see why you’d feel like they don’t see your value.”

If done right, you’ll get confirmation that you understand them:
“Yes! That’s why I’m so angry!”

That’s empathy.

Stay away from PARROTING the exact words of what someone said to you, back to them. That’s not really showing that you’re listening. By PARAPHRASING you’re demonstrating that you really listened and were engaged.

And please don’t use, “What I hear you saying is . . .”

This can easily be perceived as saying, “Whatever you just shared with me, I’m going to reinterpret to fit my own narrative.”

The beauty of empathy is that if you’re wrong, people will correct you. And they’ll be grateful that you’re making a genuine effort to relate to them and understand what they’re trying to say.

So now what?

Make a commitment to yourself that starting today, you will be dedicated to improving your communication by mastering the skill of understanding.

Instead of being held back by a lack of understanding, flip the script, and keep these simple tips in mind:

1. Try to understand.
   - You don’t hold all the interesting or relevant information.
   - Stay curious and ask clarifying questions.
   - Remember, understanding doesn’t equal agreement.

2. Don’t assume you understand.
   - Don’t rush to, “Oh, I totally understand!”
   - Get verification that you understand.

3. Empathize for deeper understanding.
   - Stop emotionally correcting people.
   - Paraphrase someone’s story back to them.

Master these techniques and you’ll become a much better communicator.

And you’ll also be able to see who in your life really doesn’t care enough to listen to you.

If you’re interested in taking these techniques further, you can schedule a free consultation call with me to see if personal coaching would help you Rescue Your Dreams™ so you can transform your reality.

Click HERE for my Calendly link! 

Ever upward!