Are you seen, heard, and valued?
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
- Brené Brown
Everyone wants to be seen.
Everyone wants to be heard.
Everyone wants to be valued.
Everyone.
But how can you be more intentional about living a life that sees, hears, and values others?
And how do you know if you’re being seen, heard, and valued?
- SEE -
The most common greeting in the Zulu tribe is, “Sawubona”.
It literally means “I see you; you are important to me, and I value you”.
This is not just about visually seeing someone. It’s much deeper. It’s seeing with your heart. It’s a way to make the other person visible inside and out, and to accept them as they are with all their virtues, nuances, and flaws.
ALL of them. WITHOUT judgment.
I hope you have someone in your life who makes you feel this seen.
Some of you are in relationships that don’t see you.
It may be a partnership or a friendship, but there’s someone in your life that you know doesn’t see you. Yet, you continue to allow them to have close access to you.
And you feel like shit for it.
YOU may see them. They may be important to YOU. And YOU may accept them for all their virtues, nuances, and flaws.
But THEY can’t do the same.
And if that’s the case, you need to let them go.
It doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you care enough about your own mental and relational health to distance yourself from them. Because if you don’t, you risk spending time and energy trying to change them, just so you can feel more secure when you’re with them.
And that’s a terrible recipe for a great relationship.
If you want to see better
Start with these principles:
Be interested NOT interesting.
“Hey, I noticed . . .” is a great way to be interested in someone. We love to be around people who allow us to display the qualities we love best about ourselves. So, give people the opportunity to talk, share, and feel good about how they’re showing up in life.
Understanding does NOT equal agreement.
You can stay curious, ask someone their opinion, hear something you disagree with, and still choose to withhold judgment of their perspective. You don’t have to agree with someone to see them.
People do things for their own reasons, not yours.
Life is complicated. And we all have different coping mechanisms based on our life experiences. Give people some grace to learn, grow, and fail. And remember they’re doing what they feel is right for THEM. So, stop the judgment and move toward understanding.
Do you have someone in your life who makes you feel “Sawubona”?
If so, don’t delay in letting them know how much you appreciate them seeing you!
- HEAR -
There are three levels to hearing someone.
LEVEL 1: Disinterested
LEVEL 2: Detached
LEVEL 3: Deep
Level 1: Disinterested
LEVEL 1 hearing sucks. And it happens so often.
The person who should be listening to you knows you’re talking, but they’re not engaged. Your words are disinteresting to them. They may hear it or if they’re deaf, haptically feel it or see you communicating, but they don’t care.
This is when someone puts you on speaker so they can flip through their social media or answer emails while you talk.
Or Facetime you on their phone but are distracted by what’s going on in their environment or the computer screen their phone is resting on.
You finish a thought or sentence and are met with silence, a long pause, or even “what did you say?”
Avoid this at all costs. If someone finds you important enough to talk to, be fully present for the conversation.
Level 2: Detached
LEVEL 2 hearing is a little better. But it’s not emotionally engaged. It risks nothing by staying out of arm's reach of being able to empathize or offer compassion.
It has all the look of being engaged in the conversation but feels distant and detached.
You know when this is happening by the body language and tone of the person you’re talking to. Their leg may bounce up and down, they may fidget, and not keep regular eye contact because they’re eager to move on.
Their responses may be short: “That sucks.”, “Wow.”, or “Oh, cool.” Before trying to change the subject, “Well, anyway . . .” or turn the focus back on themselves, “Did I tell you about what happened to me?”
This level doesn’t try to dig deeper, understand, or meet you where you’re at.
If you’re consistently met with this kind of response from someone, you may have a one-sided relationship.
Level 3: Deep
LEVEL 3 hearing is the holy grail of listening. And if you commit to mastering it, it can radically change the depth of your relationships.
This is full engagement and more importantly, interest.
It taps into the seeing of “Sawubona” and has a palpable feeling of someone holding space for you.
The person listening to you stays curious, asks questions, and can paraphrase your story back to you. And they remember names, dates, and events that you’ve shared that are meaningful to you.
Not only do you feel seen at this level, but you also feel emotionally connected, important, and truly heard.
My friend and protégé Ciera Springer is a great Level 3 listener.
And she’s deaf.
She’s fluent in American Sign Language (ASL) and incredible at reading lips. Which means she’s forced to look at who she’s conversing with. She’s forced to ask questions to clarify if she understands. And she communicates not just with her words and signs, but her entire tone and body are engaged in the communication process.
And she can make you feel more listened to than many people who can audibly hear.
I’m proud to have her as my protégé and I highly suggest reaching out to her if you’re looking to work with a development coach at the start of their career.
She works with deaf, hard of hearing, and even hearing communities and can be reached on Instagram at: @ciera.springer
- VALUE -
“I hate who steals my solitude without, in exchange, offering me true company.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Valuing someone isn’t necessarily hard. It just requires you not to be selfish.
It’s the idea of mastering the ethics of reciprocity. Meaning you should reciprocate treating others how you would like to be treated.
This is widely known as The Golden Rule, an ancient wisdom, and a timeless truth. “Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.”
Now this doesn’t necessarily mean to treat people how they actually treat you. Instead, it’s about understanding that none of us want to be treated carelessly or callously.
One simple way to value someone is to regularly use their name or nickname when connecting. Because when you use someone’s name it tells them that they hold a valuable space in your life, that they are important to you, and that you care about them.
Another way you can value someone is to simply send them a text saying:
“I was just thinking about you and I’m grateful for you in my life!”
“I’m glad we got to hang out today!”
“Just wanted you to know how important you are to me!”
It means so much to me every time I get messages like this. And I’m always grateful for it.
And men, I challenge you to send messages like this to your guy friends. It’ll go a long way in taking a friendship from surface level to something deeper and more meaningful.
So now what?
Well, now you know the secret sauce. The cocktail that can refresh you and your relationships. And the gauge to determine the quality of relationships in your life.
Do you see, hear, and value others?
If not, make a commitment to improve on this. You now have the guide.
Are you seen, heard, and valued by the relationships in your life?
If not, it may be time to end them or let them dissolve to make room for people who will.
Ever upward!