Vulnerability is a superpower.

And if you can master being vulnerable, your life begins to sort itself in some miraculous ways.

Being vulnerable allows us to be our true self, to live honestly, with all our insecurities and inadequacies on display. As scary as that may sound, it means we no longer have to carry the weight of trying to hide them.

Which is incredibly freeing.

Because when we can stand in the arena of life with our true strengths and weaknesses exposed, people can see us and relate to us for who we truly are. So, those who choose to call us friend, family, or partner, love us for all the beauty and blemishes we show.

But the problem is, instead of choosing to be vulnerable, we armor up to hide ourselves and we pretend to be perfect. Or we armor up to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Or even armor up to guard us from disappointment.

In Brené Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, she breaks down the three types of armor we wear that keeps us from being vulnerable.

Which means it keeps us from being real.

We use this armor to fend off the reality of who and how we truly are, to impress people who aren’t responsible for the outcome of the decisions we make.

So, let’s talk about these three pieces of armor we wear to keep us from being real, and more importantly the cure for each one, so you can live with more strength, freedom, and honesty.

And flex your super power of being vulnerable.

Armor #1 – Perfectionism: I need to be perfect

This is the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame.

Perfectionism is different from aiming for excellent work or from a commitment to personal growth. Perfectionism, driven by trying to earn others’ approval, stems from a fear of failure.

And it’s so hard to not feel like we need to be perfect.

In a world of social media highlight reels and filters, it seems as if everyone else has their shit together while we’re struggling to keep our shit together.

The problem with perfectionism is that it can also be spelled PARALYSIS.

Which means it will stop us from taking the steps needed to have the life we want.

But perfectionism is an illusion and there’s a cure.

The cure for perfectionism: Self-compassion

To cure perfectionism, you need to shift from “what will people think?” to “I am enough”.

Now this isn’t toxic positivity or fortune cookie coaching. Saying “I am enough” requires you to be DOING enough. Meaning doing the work necessary to live the life you want.

Please don’t lie to yourself. If you want to get healthier but are making no changes to your life, saying, “I am enough” will be a lie. You won’t feel like enough, because you’re not doing enough.

Actually you’re not doing anything.

And if you want better relationships but refuse to speak up, put the time in, and make healthy changes for mutually satisfying connections, saying, “I am enough” will also be a lie.

But please, be kind to yourself; recognize that others struggle too. And, that failure is a critical part of success. So, embrace the failures along the way to your victories.

Strive for consistent excellence over perfection. Because consistency allows you to keep moving forward, as failures become opportunities to learn what doesn’t work.

Accepting that I am enough (because I’m doing enough) can help break the hold of perfectionism.

Armor #2 – Numbing: I need to avoid

Sometimes life throws us some pretty big monsters to fight. And when it does, we can become overwhelmed with some challenging emotions that we simply don’t want to feel.

So, we try to numb them.

Now drinking to excess and using drugs are obviously destructive ways to numb feelings; and with enough consumption and consistency, it’s a devastating road to addiction.

More socially acceptable ways that we numb include keeping too busy (productive procrastination), overspending, and overeating.

Some of you reading this may be thinking, “Well, that’s not me!”

But what about binging your favorite show on Netflix instead of slaying the dragon in your life?

Or getting lost in video games?

Or doom scrolling on social media?

Now I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with having a few drinks, a gummy, working, buying something you like, enjoying a good meal, watching some episodes of your favorite show, playing some video games, or seeing what’s on your social media feed.

But if you have a pattern of using those outlets consistently to avoid facing the challenges of life, you could be numbing.

Most people numb to avoid feelings of shame, anxiety, and disconnection. But here’s the problem: when we numb uncomfortable or painful feelings, we also numb our ability to experience positive emotions.

And those positive emotions usually lie on the other side of facing the things in life we’re scared of.

The cure for numbing: Boundaries

Instead of numbing, lean into those uncomfortable feelings, to explore where they come from. Then, try to change the scary thoughts that fuel those feelings, rather than just trying to manage the bad feelings.

If you can change the narrative in your mind about the monster you have to face, it can radically change how you feel about the challenge ahead, which can positively influence your behavior from numbing to action.

For example, if you think, “I can’t deal with this.” You’ll feel inadequate and may choose to numb because you feel incapable.

If you change that thought to “I can handle this, even if it’s not easy.” You may feel more capable to take steps of action.

Then, set realistic boundaries for yourself on the avenues that could lead to numbing and recognize when to say “Enough!”

It may be after one drink.

Two episodes of your favorite show.

Or after 15 minutes on social media.

Then, go slay the dragon in your life.

Armor #3 – Foreboding joy: I need to be guarded

Believe it or not, joy is an extremely vulnerable emotion, which can make us feel uncomfortably exposed.

We don’t want to be caught with our guard down and feel embarrassed or hurt if things don’t go well or as planned, even with victories along the way.

This is why if you go on a first date and you really like the other person, you may not allow yourself to be fully happy about how it went, just in case they don’t like you as much as you like them.

You might be asked, “How did the date go?” and respond with, “I think it went well, but I don’t want to get my hopes up.”

Because, what if they don’t like you?

Or you have a job interview and you’re proud and excited for how you showed up. And when asked about it you say, “I think it went well, but I don’t want to say too much and jinx it.”

Because, what if you don’t get the job?

The problem with foreboding joy is it takes you out of the present moment and keeps you focused on the future with what might or might not happen. Which is where a lot of our anxiety comes from, because much of the future is out of our control.

We look toward the storm clouds in the distance instead of enjoying the sunlight we have. And many times, the rain never comes our way.

The cure for foreboding joy: Gratitude

The ability to stay open to joy is tied to the importance of practicing gratitude. 

Gratitude acknowledges that we are living with enough, allowing us to accept and experience joy.

It allows us to stay in the present moment with all of the information and experience we currently have which means we can say:

“The date was so much fun! And I really like them a lot! I hope they feel the same way, but if not, I’m grateful for the night we had!”

Or even, “I crushed that job interview! They said I gave them a lot to consider and that I’m a top contender! I hope I get the position but if I don’t, I’m glad that interview helped to build my confidence for the next opportunity I get!”

And anyone who tries to ridicule or embarrass you when things don’t go as you had hoped, doesn’t deserve to be in your life.

So now what?

“Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you.”

- Brené Brown

We all want people to be real with us. We’re just not willing to go first.

If you want to radically change your life, make a commitment to yourself; drop the armor and embrace vulnerability.

Be the first.

Which one do you struggle with the most? Shoot me an email or a DM on Instagram and let me know how you’re doing with dropping the self-imposed weight.

And if you think this could benefit someone in your life, forward them this newsletter. It might just help them find their strength.

Ever upward!