How to feel better using your ABCs

What you believe has consequences.

Because what you think affects how you feel, and that affects your behavior.

And studies have shown that when we have gaps of information about people and events, we tend to fill in those gaps with negative stories.

And negative stories lead to challenging feelings, which can lead to self-defeating actions.

And those self-defeating actions fuel more negative stories, leading to more challenging emotions, and more behaviors that we end up regretting.

And on and on it goes.

Let’s take an example we can all relate to:

You send a text to someone asking them if they’d like to get together. You know they always have their phone with them, and they consistently check and respond to their messages.

You can see that they saw the message, but they haven’t responded all day.

You’ve been left on read.

Your excitement to connect with them starts to shift to fear, that maybe they don’t like you as much as you like them.

Or anxiety, feeling like you constantly reach out to them and that maybe they find you annoying.

Or you may even get angry thinking they’re not as good of a friend as you thought they were, because you know they saw your message and obviously chose not to respond.

Despite the rising tension in your chest, you decide to reach out again.

And again, you see that they’ve read it with no response.

And now your beliefs of them not liking you, being annoying, or that they’re not a good friend, feel warranted.

But those beliefs have consequences.

And they affect how you feel, which affects your behavior.

And since you believe they don’t like you, you’re annoying them, or even they’re not a good friend, you decide that it’s best to pull back.

And by doing so you miss opportunities to connect and nurture your relationship.

Because of that, over time, your connection with them grows further and further apart, until they become like that Gotye song, “Somebody That I Used To Know”.

But restructuring how you think, so you can feel better, and behave more effectively, can be as easy as your ABCs.

So, before you go throwing away what could be a perfectly good relationship, it would be a good idea to challenge those beliefs using a very powerful cognitive restructuring tool known as the ABCDE technique.

- The ABCDE Technique -

This technique is so effective, that not only can it help you process difficult events in your life, but if you become good at it, you can also empower others to navigate challenging situations as well.

And it’s easy to remember because the steps involved follow the letters ABCDE.

Let’s dive into the technique and see how it can transform the texting situation we’ve been talking about.

A – Activating Event

The first step in this technique is to be very clear about the activating event that caused you to start feeling some challenging emotions.

Some people refer to this as a triggering event.

You were fine, then something happened, and now you’re not feeling so great.

In our example, the activating event was a couple of unanswered texts.

You were excited to spend time with someone and invited them to get together. When the texts were left on “read”, your excitement turned to fear, anxiety, or anger.

Now the activating event could be external like our example, meaning it really happened. Or, it might be internal, meaning you could be sitting there feeling fine when your mind starts wandering into some dark and scary places.

Whether it’s external or internal, you must be very honest about what the activating event is before you can continue to the next step.

B – Belief about the event

Now that you know the activating event, you can dive into your belief about it.

In our example, the belief was that because they didn’t answer your text, maybe they don’t like you as much as you like them.

Or you begin to believe that since you constantly reach out, you’ve become annoying.

You may even believe that they’re not as good of a friend as you thought they were.

They don’t like you.
You’re annoying.
They’re not a good friend.

Those beliefs have consequences. And it’s time to examine what those consequences are.

C – Consequences of the belief

If you believe someone doesn’t like you, what do you do?

Some of you will stop reaching out to them. And some of you will begin to fawn over them, trying harder to win them over.

If you believe you’re annoying, what do you do?

You might begin to shrink back. Not be your authentic self. Or even not speak up. All of which leads you to losing your voice in the relationship because you feel like you’re too much.

If you believe someone isn’t a good friend, what do you do?

You criticize them, gossip about them, try to control them, or block them from your life.

D – Dispute the belief

Now here’s the fun part.

And the most important part.

It’s time to dispute those beliefs that are causing self-defeating behaviors. Take the beliefs to court and put them on trial.

This is where you get to exercise your emotional intelligence in the realm known as Reality Testing and ask yourself, “Is it true?”

Is it true that they don’t like you? That you’re annoying them? That they’re not a good friend?

Well, they consistently reach out to you, share with you, invite you to come along, and make time for you. Why would they do that if they didn’t like you, find you annoying, or were a bad friend?

They wouldn’t.

So maybe what you believe isn’t true.

And if it’s not true, then what IS true of the events? Why have they not answered your text?

Could it be that they saw both texts, but simply haven’t had time to respond? Maybe work has been extra busy? Maybe they got pulled into a deep discussion with someone? Or even had an emergency?

Could other, more urgent texts have come through for them after they saw yours? Maybe they had to respond to those first, and your message fell down the text chain on their phone.

Could they have misplaced their phone? Maybe it ran out of power and died? Or they somehow got locked out of it?

Of course.

Because ANY of those things are possible.

And likely.

E – Examine what’s changed

Now that you’ve identified other, more likely scenarios that could have happened, what’s changed about how you feel about the event?

Another way to think about this is to ask yourself what’s been the effect of challenging your belief?

Odds are you feel better about the situation. And you may even feel a bit silly for magnifying it into something it never was.

Of course they like you!
You’re not annoying!
And they ARE a good friend!

And when you begin to feel better, you begin to behave better.

You move from self-defeating behaviors, and towards self-enhancing behaviors.

They were just busy. Got distracted. Had a series of unfortunate events. None of which has anything to do with you. Meaning, there’s nothing to take personally!

They’ll respond as soon as they’re able to.

That’s all there was to it.

So now what?

Well now I encourage you to make a commitment to yourself, use the ABCDE technique regularly to help with your stress, anxiety, and fears.

Get great at it.

A – ACTIVATING EVENT

B – BELIEF ABOUT THE EVENT

C – CONSEQUENCES OF THE BELIEF

D – DISPUTE THE BELIEF

E – EXAMINE WHAT’S CHANGED

And when you get great at helping yourself through the use of the ABCDE technique, you can use it to help others process their challenging events. And you’ll be able to do it in a very natural and conversational manner.

Activating event
“Hey what happened?”

Belief about the event
“How are you feeling about that?”

Consequences of the belief
“What do you want to do about it?”

Dispute the belief
“Is it possible that. . . .?”

Examine what’s changed
“So, what do you want to do in light of that?”

And if it seems daunting or too difficult to remember the ABCDE technique when your emotions are out of control, simply ask yourself this:

What do I need to believe to feel better?

Remember, you’re at full choice to write the stories in your mind.

Make them good ones.

Ever upward!