The truth about trust and how to build it.
Do you believe trust is earned?
Take a minute to think through that.
Do you believe trust is earned?
If you’re like most people, you’re conditioned to believe that trust is earned.
Which means that prior to knowing someone, you would mistrust them.
But that’s not how it actually works. That thinking is backward.
See, trust ISN’T earned. It’s given. And we give it freely every single day.
We extend trust to others on credit.
Meaning, every day when we interact with others that we don’t know, we give them a certain amount of trust based on the hope that they will prove themselves trustworthy.
They haven’t earned it yet, but we’re willing to give it to them.
It may not be a lot, but it’s a start. Kind of like getting your first credit card. You’re not given an enormous amount of credit to borrow from at first. And you have to prove your worthiness to earn more.
So, as we go through our day interacting with strangers and meeting new people, we’re constantly giving them trust to start with.
We trust that the cook or our server isn’t going to spit in our food.
We trust that our auto mechanic is fixing what’s broken, and not charging us for unneeded repairs.
We trust that our Uber or Lyft driver will get us to our destination safely.
We trust the pilot to fly us where we’re headed without crashing.
We trust the Yelp reviews of people we don’t know.
We trust the Rotten Tomatoes score.
We trust our bank to keep our money secure.
We trust that our first date with someone will be a good one.
We trust that accepting the job offer will lead to years of fulfilling work.
We trust that our therapist or coach will be skilled enough to help us.
We trust that the Rescue Your Dreams™ newsletter will give us valuable insight that we can use.
We are constantly giving out trust.
I have the privilege of doing a lot of relational coaching in my practice and when things go bad in a relationship for my clients, I often hear them say, “I don’t know how I can ever trust again.”
Well, they will.
And they do.
Because every single time they say yes to giving out their phone number, or going on a date, they will be extending trust on credit.
So, the problem isn’t about being able to trust again. The problem is how can they shield their heart from potential disappointment, betrayal, and heartbreak.
Because although people don’t start off earning your trust, there is something that they can earn: your mistrust.
Trust is given. Mistrust is earned.
We extend trust on credit and hopefully people will prove themselves trustworthy enough to earn more trust.
But sometimes people just suck.
And they’re not as honest as we had hoped.
Or as skilled as they say.
They lie to us. Betray us. Make us feel like fools.
And when that happens, they earn our mistrust.
Think of it as not being able to pay back the trust you gave. You lose confidence in them and start to become suspect of their character and competency.
That’s mistrust.
It’s important to pay attention to patterns of mistrust with others. Everyone makes mistakes, but when those mistakes happen consistently, it’s vital to accept the fact that you can no longer extend trust on credit to them.
And that’s because they’ve shown that they can’t earn it back.
So how do you earn more trust?
Our ability to grow our trustworthiness is tied to two things:
1. Our character
2. Our competency
And it’s not enough to have one over the other. You actually need a healthy flow of both to build your trustworthiness.
Character is simply about the way someone thinks, feels, and behaves. It’s their personality.
People who have strong character are incredibly likable. They add color to our lives and make it fun. And we find ourselves drawn to them because we like how they think and behave.
But in order to build trustworthiness, having good character isn’t enough. Because character is NOT an indicator of competency.
Competency is about the knowledge, skill, and ability to do something successfully.
So, although someone may have strong character, if they aren’t competent to fulfill the role they occupy in our lives, they will end up earning our mistrust.
They need to be able to skillfully perform the role of a good partner, family member, or friend.
And if it’s someone you work with, you want them to be competent at what they do so that the workload is shared, information is communicated effectively, and the team is moving forward.
Without competency, likable people will become frustrating. They’ll lack the skill to: reciprocate the love we need, do the job they’re tasked with, or adapt to shared challenges.
But just as character is not an indicator of competency, competency is NOT an indicator of strong character.
Meaning, there are a lot of highly skilled people out there who are great at their jobs, but they’re assholes.
You may work with some of them.
And there are a lot of people who know the right things to say and do in a relationship. But lack an attractive spark. They feel emotionally cold. Or, when they’re tested, lack the conviction to draw appropriate boundaries for the relationship, leading to poor behavior.
So, once you extend trust on credit to someone, they will build their trustworthiness based on the consistency of their character, and the competency they display for the role they occupy in your life.
If they lack in their character or their competency, inevitably, they’ll end up not being able to pay back the trust that was given. And they’ll end up earning your mistrust.
So now what?
Remember:
Trust is given.
Mistrust is earned.
Trustworthiness is built on:
Strong character
High competency
Mistrust is built on:
Weak character
Low competency
Now that you know trust is given on credit, it may just free you up to be more open with new relationships in your life. Whether that’s giving someone a chance in a friendship, a romance, or as a coworker.
And since you know mistrust is earned, it should allow you to examine the relationships in your life that don’t seem to be working out. Which means you can set new boundaries with them or eliminate them altogether.
Ever upward!