“If only” is a wish too late.

WARNING:

Some potentially triggering things about mental health, numbing, and suicide ahead.
But it’s the rough waters where we learn to sail.

* * *

“Oh c'mon and have a drink with me
Sit down and talk a while . . .”

“Oh, I wish I could . . . And I will!
But now I just don't have the time . . .”

“And over my shoulder as I walk away
I see you give that look goodbye . . .
I still see that look in your eye . . .”

- Cut Here, The Cure

* * *

On July 19th, 2022, at 7:56 am, I got a text from my friend, Ponce.

“ . . . I got sad important news for you and you’re not gonna like it.”

“Our greatest friend in the world just died my man. You know him as the great photographer and our great friend just died today.”

“I’m sorry buddy it’s Eric Curtis.”

My heart sank. Gut punched. Eyes flooded with horror, disbelief, and utter sadness.

Ponce is Josh “The Ponceman” Perry. A professional actor with Down syndrome who warms my heart, loves deeply, and has made billions of people laugh.

Eric Curtis was our dear friend. A great man. One of the most talented photographers for Hollywood and beyond. And someone who helped me heal when I had to rebuild my life.

And he was gone.

I called Ponce to get answers, but it only led to more questions. Ponce had told me that Eric had killed himself but didn’t have details.

I was devastated.

Four days earlier I had put on a mental health event for mountain bikers at SkyPark Bike Park in Lake Arrowhead CA. It was called “Ride & Shine”, and it was an opportunity to ride with your favorite content creators and crews. And later in the afternoon we all gathered to illuminate stories of hope from within our community around our mental health.

PTSD, anxiety, depression, suicide. All of it.

The goal: to save one life.

I know what it’s like to be suicidal. At the end of your rope and hopeless. And if it’s within my power, I never want anyone to feel like that.

But Eric wasn’t a mountain biker.

He existed in my other circle of friends, outside the reach of that event.

So here I was, four days later being told our friend killed himself.

How could that happen when I put on an event for mental health four days earlier?

Why didn’t I see it?

Could I have stopped it?

Why didn’t I make the time?

“Yoooo… Mr. Mock it’s Eric Curtis how are you? I wanna catch up. Call me when you have the chance.”

That was his last voicemail to me.

“Oh, I wish I could . . . And I will!
But now I just don't have the time . . . ”

Is what I thought.

“So dizzy Mr Busy - too much rush to talk to Billy
All the silly frilly things have to first get done

In a minute - sometime soon - maybe next time
make it June,

Until later . . . Doesn't always come.”

So, I never reached back out.

I assumed I had more time. I assumed I had “until later”.

But “Until later . . . Doesn’t always come.”

Time is the currency we’re given to spend on our actions.

“I should've stopped to think - I should've made the time
I could've had that drink - I could've talked a while
I would've done it right - I would've moved us on
But I didn't - now it's all too late it's over . . . Over . . .
And you're gone . . . ”

I found out Eric had been numbing in the months after his voicemail to me. Maybe even before.

But I didn’t know because “All the silly frilly things have to first get done.”

From what I understand it was an accidental overdose that took Eric from us. One of the great ones. One of the bright ones. A light who was fighting his own darkness.

What would it have cost me to text him?

30 seconds?

A minute?

What would it have cost me to call him back and talk?

30 minutes?

60?

What would it have cost me to make the time to meet up?

A morning?

An afternoon?

“But I didn't - now it's all too late it's over . . . Over . . .
And you're gone . . . ”

I spent more time on social media than I did getting back to Eric.

More time on video games.

More time on Netflix.

More time trying to impress people who didn’t matter.

More time on “All the tizzy fizzy idiot things . . .”

The Cure – Cut Here.

In 2001 Robert Smith of The Cure wrote “Cut Here”, a song in memory of his friend Billy Mackenzie, the lead singer of the band The Associates.

It’s believed that Billy was depressed and having a hard time with the death of his mother. He would end up overdosing on a combination of paracetamol and prescription medication in the garden shed of his father’s house on January 22nd, 1997.

He was 39.

The story goes that Robert had seen Billy backstage at one of The Cure concerts, and Billy was hoping Robert had some time to connect and catch up.

“I kept passing on the opportunity to sit down and have a drink with him, have a chat,” Smith said. “I was very regretful.”

“Cut Here” is a hauntingly upbeat song, with a playful and infectious melody that is full of life. A stark contrast to the lyrics full of regret and should haves, would haves, and could haves.

It’s a sobering tune that’s worth more than one listen.

It reminds us of the importance of connection and making time for one another.

And how we shouldn’t delay in living.

*** Watch and listen to the video at the end of this post. ***

Sit down and have a drink.

So, I choose to spend my time on people. Because they’re important me. And I want everyone in my life to feel seen, heard, and valued so they can give their best to this world.

I know that when I hurt, and I struggle, and I reach out, it means everything to me to have someone reach back.

Even if I don’t respond.

And I’m incredibly grateful to the people in my life who choose to make that time.

And that’s how I think it works. Choosing to spend our time to see each other. Hear each other. And value each other.

I know it’s not always easy or convenient.

But it’s always worth it.

* * *

So now what?

So, who do you need to reach out to today?

Who is waiting for your text?

For your call?

For your time?

Time is the currency we’re given to spend on our actions. And it’s always better spent with each other.

If only I had texted.
If only I had called him back.
If only I had made the time.

“But ‘if only . . . ’
is a wish too late . . . ”

Click HERE to watch and listen to Cut Here by The Cure.

Eric’s life and memory live on through his photographs on Instagram @ericcurtisphoto I’d love for you to check it out.

SAP, Ponce, Doug Jones, Eric, and Me. On the set of "Mime Very Own Book". Eric hated having his photo taken.